Recovery is a Journey
I, like many, have been through alot in my life. Self injury, Abuse, Addicition, Eating disorder are just a few 'experiences' I have lived through. I have found that all of these 'addictions' or 'behaviors' have similar patterns and stem from similar feelings of emptiness and worthlessness. I have also found that the most helpful way to enter recovery is first, the obvious, stop whatever behavior you are doing that is hurting you, and by removing yourself from a situation you may be in, where someone else is hurting you.
This seems like a pretty easy thing to most people, but it is not. I was unable to leave an abusive relationship because, I honestly didn't know how to. I felt so useless and worthless, I had no strength to leave. Also, part of me wanted to stay. I kept saying to myself "It will get better" over and over in my mind.
I was trying to convince myself, that maybe I, could change the other person's behavior. A typical mind-set for people in abusive situations. People do not realize that they make their lives, they have the power to change. A quote from Marianne Williamson's (link below) book 'A Return to Love' explains this in simple words; "Every moment we have a chance to change our past and our future by reprogramming the present."
The one book that I have read more than any is 'A Return to Love' by Marianne Williamson. Her experiences with 'A Course in Miracles' are transformed into lessons through her words. This book helped me in my recovery tremendously. I was able to lower my walls, and listen. When I first started attending A.A. meetings, the word 'god' made my skin crawl. I hated the word, I had grown to hate all religion and anything that had to do with 'god'. I had been abused so much and I hated myself so much, I felt even if there was a god, he hated me, he despised me and didn't care about me. If he did, my life would not have been the way it was.
Looking back, I am amazed that I allowed myself to be treated the way I was, and more so, I am horrified by how I treated myself. I was aware that other people had self-esteem, and were strong enough to take care of themselves, I just didn't believe I had it in me. I felt it wasn't a option for me, I would never be one of those people.
There was a time in my life that I wouldn't look into anyone's eyes, not even mine. I wouldn't look in my eyes when I shaved or brushed my teeth. I thought I was ugly and repulsive. Once I got out of the abusive situation, stopped drinking and drugging, and stopped hurting myself, I was able to take the first steps. I started to actually look at myself in the mirror. I realized, as Marianne Williamson says so simple; "It is not the body but the mind that is in need of healing."
I staret to look at how my mouth moved when I talked. I looked at my face from all different positions. After a while, it became easier and easier to do. This allowed me to have the strength to look in other's eyes.
I was amazed at all the 'social games' that go along with eye contact. Like animals in the wild, alot of people try to stare each other down. This was an eye-opener. I started experimenting, looking someone in the eye until they looked away. Ofcourse I looked away many times, sometimes a long stare-off can get heated, and end up verbal.
This very simple act, helped me so much with my self-esteem. I tapped into a 'spring' of strength, that had always been there. As Marianne Williason says in her book; "Your personal power is not something that is going to reveal itself at some later date. Your power is a result of your decision to reveal it." I wasn't so useless anymore, and not everyone that looked at me wanted to hurt me. In also realized, how little people looked at me. When I was being bullied in school, or had anxiety attacks in public, I felt like, or was the focus. Eyes would burn into my skin, I imagined it must of been how a vampire feels when sun hits him.
I wasn't the center or the universe. What a relief. Alot of abused people, are narcissists. Narcissim usually describes people who admire themselves or put themselves up on a pedistal above others, but it also describes a person, who thinks, everyone is focusing on them, not for worship, but for hurt. I was called narcissistc in a detox I was in. I was very upset about this, I didn't feel I was arrogant or stuck-up, but once someone explained the otherside of narcissism, I could see that this described me perfectly.
I was told by a therapist once that even those who claim to be co-dependent are just a selfish as the one they feel so-dependent on. He explained that, being co-dependent, you fill a need in yourself. You feel needed and wanted, no matter how awful the situation is. Leaving abusive situations, for me, could not be accomplished, until I realized this. I was attracked, (for a lack of better words) to abusive situations. I didn't believe or even fathom I was using the situation to fill a need in me, and without it I wouldn't know what to do.
This was another step in my pathway of recovery. I started to read books about co-dependecy, abusive relationships, and when I'd look in the past, things started to fall into place, things started to make sense to me, I could see a pattern of behaviors that determined my life. Almost walking blindly, I just followed the path, not questioning it, until I was forced to.
I am a firm believer that behind all pain, there is a learning experience. During a painful situation, I find it very hard to believe, but I always hung on to something, I kept telling myself "This will get better, it can't get any worse." I used the same mind-set as I did that kept me in abusive situations. This is an example how something thought to be negative in one situaiton (abusive relationships) is a positive in another situation.
I was so relieved when I finally opened my ears at an A.A. meeting. I heard people talking about just holding on. I also read in some book, that it is wise to wait before reacting to any situation, to stay in the moment, let the problem just sit in the back of your mind. After a few days, it will lose alot of it's power. For me, this has been the best way to get through many situations.
When it comes to relationships, I am the last person I would ask advice from, and I am the last person I would date. When I realized that I had power, I wasn't just a doormat, I was able to see my part in the situations I allowed myself to get into. I had to look at myself, not just into my eyes in the mirror, but to not point the finger at anyone else but myself.
The only real important part of any situation is how you are acting. How am I treating myself? How am I treating others? Marianne Williamson says in her book; "Growth is never about focusing on someone else's lessons, but only on our own."
Recovery is a life-long 'Journey', sometimes feeling so painful, death seems to be the only answer, yet at other times, it is an eye-opening, educating, experience worth living for. If on your 'Jounrey' to feel as you slip back into 'old-ways', hold on, as someone once told me; "This too shall pass." Life is not a 'happy -go-lucky' state of mind, it full of lessons, some more painful than others.
I strongly suggest that anyone and everyone, in recovery or not, read Marianne Williamson's book 'A Return to Love'. You can find out all the information about this book at her website.
MY EXPERIENCES:
