Being Bullied in High School Can Lead to Many Debilitating Problems
Here is my experience of being bullied. Depression, Cutting and
Addiction are just a few of the issues I touch on
I graduated from high school in 1987, and surprisingly, I am still afraid of crowds, for two reasons. One is my physical safety and the second is my mental state.
What happens when I do see a group of people? Anxiety. I start to breath fast, my heart pumps a mile a minute, I sweat through my clothes, even if it is winter and I have a thin jacket and a t-shirt on, and my mind starts racing. O.k., some may say. So I have anxiety, millions of people do, right? "Some 19 million" one source states - Conquer Anxiety
Another source state:
"The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 5.6% of adults develop agoraphobia and some point in their lives. It is more common among women than men and it usually begins when they are in their twenties or thirties." - Health Center
So in the past I have gone to therapy, done some self-help work all related to agoraphobia, fear of open spaces. There is more to it than just fear of open places, "For many, they happen at home, in houses of worship, or in crowded supermarkets, places that are certainly not 'open'....Agoraphobia, then, is both a severe anxiety condition and a phobia, as well as a pattern of avoidant behavior." - Infinit.net
"Agoraphobia typically results from the fear of having a panic attack in specific situations "from which escape might be difficult (or embarrassing) or in which help may not be available in the event of having an unexpected or situation ally predisposed Panic Attack or panic-like symptoms" (DSMV-IV). Literally, "fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets" from the ancient Greek agora or market, agoraphobia is generally understood as fear manifested in the avoidance of a cluster of situations such as crowded places, heights, being alone, being in a crowd or standing in a line; being on a bridge; and traveling in a bus, train, or automobile. Agoraphobia can lead to extreme anxiety and avoidance, leading some victims to become "housebound," unable to leave a very small "safe zone." The early treatment of anxiety helps avoid the escalation of symptoms into agoraphobic behavior. Agoraphobia is responsive to both therapeutic and medical treatment."
"Agoraphobia is the most common of all phobias and the most intractable. It is not connected with any mental disease or physical illness, nor is it a fear of people. It is a classical conditioned emotional reaction. It is a overwhelming and incapacitating fear of being away from the seeming safety of home. Anywhere where the sufferer can't make a quick and easy escape can bring terror if they feel they cannot make an escape."
What does this have to do with high school? Well I am 100% convinced that my experience of high school has left me with some 'scars'. I know ALOT of people get bullied, and I am sure some people can 'get over it'. I am not one of them. Things have gotten better, and some have gotten worse. I am afraid for my safety where ever I go. Partly because I do live in the city, and someone gets mugged or shot within a mile from my apartment. So that is a healthy fear. That I believe we all should have, that is instinctually a survival technique. The negative effects of 'not healthy' fear have left me disabled beyond my realm of thought.
For example. I have gone to college three times, and two technical/private schools twice since I graduated from high school. I am 34, and still clueless as to what the heck to do with my life.
Every time I left or quit or withdrew or just stopped going to class, was due to my 'fear'. I have successfully received a cosmetology license. Some feel this is really a joke, but the schooling is about eight hours a day for a year and a half. You must attend for a number of hours and take a three hour test before you can get a license.
The reason why I was able to finish 'hairdressing' school is not because it doesn't take a lot of brains, I felt pretty safe there. Throughout the school, there was gay people everywhere. I felt safe, physically safe. I still had anxiety and fear, and depression and it was hard to not work, make not money for that time period, but I accomplished this task I set out to do. I had never and have never finished any schooling program I started before or since that time, except of course high school, which I passed mainly because the school knew my family. God knows, I didn't do much, infact I think I graduated in the lower third of my class with a average grade of 65...just passing. I'm not stupid, when I was in college, I did good. If I remember correct, my grade point average (gpa) is in the 3.0s. Which is 'B's. Not bad for someone who, when drunk drew pictures on his 'S.A.T.'s and got like 200 something. Needless to say. I can't use those scores for anything.
So what did happen in high school? From sixth grade on..even into college, I was tormented physically and verbally by other students. Mostly males. Many time, teachers would see what was going on and ignore the situation. When I did 'fight-back', I was the one reprimanded and I was told to just 'ignore it, it will go away'. I was told if I didn't react, the people would stop. Of course this never worked, but I guess to the teachers, at that time, to not make 'waves' in any way shape or form, would keep the situation under control.
Like I said, this never worked. At this time, my homosexuality and depression were a big 'issue' with me. I was told I was a 'fag' and called all different names. I was stalked, kicked, had things thrown at me and was humiliated during class. One time, a teacher had asked the class to 'double up' and two people were to sit side by side, desks touching. When the teacher saw me do this, along with everyone else, he yelled at me, to move away from the other person. The other person was one of my only friends, a guy, I am sure he perceived as gay. I, and my friend separated, and went along with the class of about thirty kids, alone and not doubled up with a partner to do the assignment.
Not only did this embarrass me, it angered me. This was teaching people it was o.k. for people to do what he had done. When I look back at this, and so many other situations that involved teachers, I want to sew them for the person they made me. For the fear they installed inside me. Here I was, about 14, I knew I was gay, was suffering severe anxiety, medicated, but still called 'pizza-face' by people, and to top it all off, the teachers were not protecting me, and some were ever harassing me. In today's schools, there is gay and lesbian support and groups. Not all, but a lot of school, high schools. Universities were always one step ahead of high school. People were more likely to be safe to 'be themselves'.
Around this time, is when my grades started to plummet. From pre-school to kindergarden, from first grade to fifth grade, the only problems I had was that I was told I had a concentration problem, I was hyper-active. I was put on a weekly report card. When I did pay attention, my grades were fine. It was not until I started getting beat up and called names, did my grades start to go down. I didn't care about what happened to me eventually. I stopped fighting back, and just took it. When someone punched me, or pushed me down, or kicked me, I did what I was told, I tried to ignore it, until it stopped. I had planned my suicide over and over, it seemed like the only 'answer'. I didn't think I would make it out of high school. I planned to be dead by the time I was eighteen.
For six years of junior high to high school, sixth to twelfth grade, for age 12 to 18, I was told daily I was a piece of crap. After a while, you start to believe it. Being depressed and not caring about my life for those years, left to chemical changes in my make up. It is a well known fact, that if someone is 'down' or 'depressed' their immune system is effected and if this goes on long enough, mental growth will slow, if not stop, all together. I believe being 'down' for this long, either caused or added to my depression. High school has, up to this point, controlled my life. My fear, mainly stems from the abuse I endured. I used to blame my family, for the way they brought me up. After a lot of digging, I realized, school did more damage to me than anything else. If this didn't go on for six years, and I had some support at school and at home, I believe I wouldn't be suffering so much in my life today.
The only thing that did help me cope, and got me through was 'acting out'. I drank and drugged and had anonymous sex with adults. Just to feel not like myself, to escape the feeling's I was having. Of course you can't escape yourself. I came quite close, mentally.
The real turning point in my mental state, was around tenth grade. I started to lose a grasp of reality. I was so used to 'zoning out' and acting out, I felt as if I had two personalities. This gave me comfort but also scared the heck out of me. I was in the kitchen one night, and I noticed it was raining out. I found comfort by sitting in the rain, without a rain jacket. I think the feeling of the rain helped me feel. The only other way I could feel was when I started to cut myself.
I decided to step outside, but before I did, I felt as if I was separating from reality. I found myself rubbing my cheeks one the refrigerator door. The coolness helped me feel that this body I was in was real. I then went outside and touched all the pine trees that were by the porch. The feeling made me feel that this was real. This was my way, I believe, to stay in reality. This scared me.
Another turning point, that really stand out in my mind involved cutting. I used to go into the bathroom and see how deep I could cut myself, with razor blades my mother had for her shaver. I was excited by this, I felt in control. at least I thought I did. From my research, it is said that some people 'cut' so they can see the pain. I could see the blood, I created it, it was real and I could understand it.
One time, as I sat on the toilet, I cut two small rows, a little above my knee. Then I layer down on the bathroom rug. I think the cold of the tile and the fur of the rug helped me. At one point. I realized the huge amount of blood that was coming from my leg. Razor blades cut deep with less pain than a knife. I got scared and started thinking about my parents and how they would yell at me, and punish me for doing something so stupid and for making such a mess. So I pulled myself together. The 'strong' me came out, to take over the situation. I went into the shower and started singing, as if nothing had happened.
I remember opening my eyes, after washing the soap from my face and seeing a red streak going down the drain. Like a horror movie. I was horrified and didn't know what was going on. I knew I didn't have my period, I am a guy, I wasn't having a bowel movement, so I wasn't bleeding from there, and I didn't see my wrists cut, so I must not have tried to kill myself. I saw my leg, small one inch lines had been cut into my right leg. Blood was gushing out....I started to panic and realized that I had done this. I had caused this, and I actually forgot that I had. I was so afraid of losing touch with reality, I was so afraid of my parents reaction. I jumped out of the shower and immediately put tissue over the cuts and then tapped some more to my leg with surgical tape from the medicine cabinet.
I was shaking and crying. I was scaring the hell out of myself. I was able to sneak back to my bedroom and hide. The only way this was possible is that my family was watching television, and they were used to me hiding away in my room, so my behavior didn't seem abnormal to them. I can not remember how long I took to heal, but I do know, I did continue to cut myself, more carefully then that time. I tried to stay with-it, not 'black-out'. I would only do little cuts at a time, and then stop. As if I was in control of the situation.
I haven't cut myself in many years. What real stopped my, was the time I got sober. I had realized that if I was going to care about myself, I had to act like I did. I have not made an attempt. So what did I do. Well the very razor I used for years, and kept for all those years, I threw in the trash. I was twenty-one and had been cutting for relief since I was about twelve.
This was one of the hardest things I had ever done. I was grabbing at all I could to try and survive. I still wanted to die, but I needed the suffering to stop. I had read enough self-help books, and gone to enough therapists and gone to enough Alcoholics Anonymous meetings that I saw there was a life, even if I couldn't get there, I was going to try. If I didn't stop the cutting, I thought what the hell is the sense on trying to stop drinking and drugging, and what was the point of all that therapy. So I made the decision to stop.
Once I threw away the old rusty blades, and I knew the trash truck had taken them away, I was afraid. I had just lost my 'security blanket'. I knew if things got bad enough, cutting or suicide was my ticket out. The same feeling came to me when I through away my 'works', my syringes I used to 'shoot' heroin. I was naked. I was alone, with nothing to protect me from life.
I am NOT saying therapy or self-help books or even Alcoholics Anonymous was the reason I stopped. But by far A.A. was the most help. A.A. showed me a different life, got me away from myself and I was able to identify with people, and not feel I was the only 'crazy' person on this planet. Keep in mind, A.A. DOES NOT make any promises, and is NOT a tool in doing anything but helping people to stop drinking. In my case, I was given a little clarity, because of A.A., to see what I was doing.
On the outside, people had no clue what was going on. I was early for work, all the time, I was friendly and made people laugh. I ate healthy, told people why it was important to eat organic fresh foods and tofu. It seems people going through similar situations, have almost two different lives. We all do to an extent, but the severity of these polarized personalities either leads to a split personality and/or a very unhappy life.
I believe, in my heart, being bullied in high school planted a seed of self-hate and self-abuse. Family was an issue too, but like I said earlier, high school, by far was more detrimental than any other situation in my life. Happy to say I have not cut myself or drank or drugged since July 1st 1991 ( UPDATE - see below ). I still suffer from depression, I still have agoraphobia, I still do not relate well with people, but I am better now than anytime in my life. I am better than I could imagine was possible for me.
I would like to have bullying of any kind stopped. Children are so fragile, especially in high school, with all the hormones, body changes and trying to find out 'who am I'? Being bullied is the same as being in a long-term abusive relationship. If the children are our future, we must do all we can to make sure they don't become addictions, socio-paths or any of the number of mentally afflicted, disabled people of the world.
UPDATE
Unfortunately, last June, 2003, I had a two week relapse into cutting. Since than, I have become reminded and am well aware of how debilitating my depression and self-injury issues can be. However, since that time, I have not self-injured, nor do I have the 'pull' or the 'longing' to, as I do when it is most in control and active in my mind.
Helpful Information & Links
66 percent of youth are teased at least once a month.
An estimated 160,000 children stay home from school for fear of being bullied.
In grades six through 10, 3.2 million people are victims of bullying each year and 3.7 million people are bullies.
Prejudicial implications of bullying
Gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered (GLBT) students hear anti-gay slurs like “homo,” “faggot” and “sissy” about 26 times a day.
More than 30 percent of GLBT youth were threatened or injured at school in the last year alone.
For every one GLBT student who reported harassment, four straight students said they were harassed for being perceived as gay or lesbian.
Health implications of bullying
One out of every 10 students who drop out leave because of repeated bullying.
Victims of bullying are more likely to suffer from the common cold, coughs, sore throats and poor appetite.
Victims of bullying are five times more likely to be depressed.
By age 23, victims of bullying in middle school were more depressed and had lower self-esteem than their peers who had not been bullied.
"The Fine Art Series consists of character building, positive re-enforcement and self mastery techniques. When these sensible strategies are applied in the listeners life, they too will be on their way to discovering a more peaceful, positive, well balanced life."
"Bully OnLine is the world's largest resource on workplace bullying and related issues. Bully OnLine is a project
of The Field Foundation" (which) "is being set up by Tim Field to oversee and carry on his work in identifying and addressing bullying."
"Helping children and their parents with bullying."
"In 2003, 7 percent of students ages 12-18 reported that they had been bullied at school in the last 6 months; the percentage of students who reported being bullied increased between 1999 and 2001 but no difference was detected between 2001 and 2003."
"Resources from National PTA to help stop bullying, teasing, & taunting."
More from this website
