Positive Solitude
Loneliness is not considered a disease or a mental disorder, but almost everyone, has felt it before. Most of this has to do with our environment, including how we grew up and our current culture.
Ronald Walls states; "Loneliness is a painful and bewildering experience, but a basic human condition with which we must contend at some time in our lives." in his published work called 'From Loneliness to Solitude."
When I was searching for 'answers' about loneliness, I came across a book called 'Positive Solitude' by Rae Andre', Ph.d. I am not sure what had motivated me to look into this topic, but I am lead to believe that it was at a time in my life, when I had recently become single, and was trying to find a balance in my life for myself and for those around me.
I do not mind being alone, most of the time. As a child, I remember riding my bike to 'Hammond Castle' which overlooked the ocean. I would just sit on one of the walls and look out into the water, and wonder what life was all about, what I was all about. Now in my adult life, I prefer to be alone, most of the time. I do live with three animal companions, but they are much different than humans.
I have always enjoyed living alone, even when it was economically difficult. I would much rather be woken in the morning by a familiar animal noise, or a car outside, than someone's voice. I am sure this is much due to the fact that I couldn't stand living with my family. At age twelve, I was already to leave. Yes, I was effected that much. I was willing to be alone on the streets, than share 'my space' with a human being.
This obviously still matters alot to me, otherwise I would be searching for a lover or someone to share a home with.
Rae Andre', who I mentioned above, explains, in her book, 'Positive Solitude', how we are conditioned to 'fill' areas of our lives with outside stimulus. When our 'feedback gap', as Dr. Andre' calls it, is not getting 'fed', we feel loneliness. I believe it has also to do with our expectations of others, to make us happy, or feel 'whole'. Almost every movie, television show, book and song, are written about relationships. Then we have 'the family' that we are all expected to be part of, or people assume we are eccenteric, lonely, crazy or all of these combined.
Dr. Andre' points out that, we need to find ways to fill our 'feedback gap', ourselves. Here Dr Andre' speaks about loneliness, leading to the topic of the 'feedback gap';
"It is necessary to understand the concept of loneliness because of the way we think about it is basic to our effedtiveness in filling the 'feedback gap'". She goes on to explain more about our relationship with loneliness; "In the end, loneliness is best understood as a word that describes people's failure to fill the 'feedback gap by themselves."
This does not mean we live our lives avoiding people, or trying to not 'need people'. Which I myself have a problem with. When we are hurt, we tend to put up walls, and not let people in, to not let ourselves depend on others, in fear that we can't take of ourselves and we will owe that person something in return. I heard in S.L.A.A., that this would ber termed 'anorexia', not allowing for any human relationships.
'Positive Solitude' is not that. It is a way to tell the difference between loneliness and being alone. A way to be happy with just being yourself, not expecting others to fill your life as to never feel loneliess.
I have met alot of people, to be more truthfully, when I see a couple, and I get to know them, I can see why they are together. It is generally not simply because they love each other. There are many equations involved like; economical freedom, family, what people think and avoiding loneliness, to name just a few.
Its as if, being in love, is not enough. Truthfully, it is not, so I do not blame these people from deciding to couple up, but I do not envy their need to do this to fulfill their 'feedback gaps'.
I am human, so I too think of relationships. This is not a weakness, this is human nature, imbedded in our very souls and our generic make-up. It is 'normal' for us, as humans, to want contact with other humans. I just do not believe it is healthy to try and use other people, to make ourselves happy, to fill our 'feedback gap'.
Singer Kate Bush sums up the struggles of living in her song 'Moments of Pleasure'; "Just being alive, it can really hurt." Its as simple as that....life is not meant to be always happy and care-free. This doesn't however mean, that we are to suffer our whole lives by the emotions we feel.
'Ronald Walls' published work titled; 'From Loneliness to Solitude', distributed by 'The Sisters of the Love of God' In this, he describes his own personal thoughts and experiences with loneliness from a Christian's stand-point. I am not a Christian, but I have always been willing to hear what others say, regardless of their religion, on topics that interest me. In this case, 'loneliness' and 'solitude'.
He believes that being alone can help us. As in growing with the pain we go through. He states; "I believe that loneliness can be changed into a marvellous thing called solitude." He says; "We are all fundamentally lonely because we are made for infinite possibilty. We are literally made for God."
Mr. Walls also believes, God made us in His own image, and we are unable to be satisfied with anything or anyone except Him. Similar to what I heard in A.A.....we have a God-sized hole, and only God can fill it. You don't have to be religious to be able to accept this, or to even look at it, as an option. We are human, something made us, and/or we came from something, maybe a one-celled life, maybe a spiritual energy. Either way, we did not make ourselves, so we will never know why so many people feel this emptiness, this God-sized hole'. But this helps us to understand what it might be, that makes us lonely sometimes.
Many writters and artists spend alot of time alone, even if painful, believing the experiece opens their eyes to themselves and the world around them.
So if we put together the idea of the 'feedback gap' and the God sized hole, we are able to see that, it is 'normal' to feel lonely, but we can fill this space up with what is inside us, and not need to search for outside stimulus. We, as children of God, created by God in His image, part of Him, we can fill ourselves. Ofcourse this is if you believe in God, but even an atheist can use this formula to fill their 'feedback gap' and help end the loneliness, turning it into a positive, turning loneliness to solitude.....not loneliness and alone. We have ourselves. Positve solitude is exactly that, being alone, not lonely, letting us experience ourselves and the world around us.
