Eating Disorders
After years of therapy, I was finally told by one therapist that food was the first thing I used to help me cope with life. Before the drugs, alcohol and smoking, before the sex and acting out. The problem with having a eating disorder is pretty obvious, we have to eat. We can't just 'quit it', like you quit drinking.
From what I remember, around 10 years of age, I really was focusing on food. I thought I was fat. I think I weighed about 110 pounds. I had heard that girls are usually anorexic, I wondered why I was, since I am a male. I remember binge eating many years before, but this I cannot remember so clearly, so I will focus on what I do remember.
Before there was nutrition labels on food, you would be lucky to find a calorie label. At that time, calories was all people were concerned about, when they wanted to lose weight. At the worst of my anorexia, I would control how many calories I could eat a day. I decided 395 was the most I should consume. I can't tell you where I came up with that amount, but I remember it. When my family would go out to eat, I would not eat. I would just get water, and put 'sweet and low' in it. Wasn't too fulfilling, but it helped me feel in control of the situation and keep myself feeling independent from my family.
On days that I did eat food, I would drink my water mixture mentioned above, then eat a plain english muffin. These are the days that I would also exercise. I thought, if I did, whatever I consumed would 'burn-off'. While I was doing this, my drinking and smoking started to play a role in my life. I was torn between being, what I thought was health-conscious...which was anorexia, and escaping reality with drinking and smoking.
I remember spending hours alone, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. At this time, I was using everything to escape, including cutting myself and reading all I could about depression and sadness. I wanted help, but I didn't feel like I could reach out. I also thought noone cared. Eventually I didn't. I grew up in a family that eats a lot. So to this day, over-eating is something I have to keep a check on. When I have over-eaten, to the point where I would call it a binge, my body is going into the 'chemical coma', that's what I call it, when insulin in secreted and you feel tired. The closest thing to this would be like being high on heroin or pot.
I have never been bulimic, I always thought it was a waste of food, and my stomach always hurt, and I didn't want to hurt more. The only time I did consume something to vomit was when I was throwing up blood, after throwing up so much when I was on heroin. I would use 'Gatorade' to soothe my through, then when I would vomit, which I didn't have to force, the Gatorade would come up out my mouth and through my nose. This would soothe my sore throat. I do not consider this to be part my eating disorder, but more of a way just to make me feel physically less pain. This is also how I drank. I would drink till I was drunk, then I would make myself puke, then start drinking again.
Food still has and always will control my life some how. I am a vegetarian, so I am very aware of my food intake and my nutrition. I do struggle with the anorexia today. It is not so severe now, so I call it an eating-disorder or a means of self-abuse. Its not because I hate myself, or that I want to hurt myself. What happens is, a little voice inside my mind will say "Don't eat...just drink coffee". This same voice is the one that tells me to not take care of myself like "Don't brush your teeth".
This may all seem so simple to someone who doesn't understand. Well it is pretty simple. The 'voice' I speak of, is the voice that, I learned in A.A. is the disease. This 'disease' is alive and kicking inside me. I guess someone could say we all have a good little angel and a bad little anger whispering in our ears, but this 'voice' is much stronger. If there was a devil, he would be this 'voice'. It is part of all of us.
I have learned a few tricks to keep myself one step ahead of the 'voice'. I learned that negative thoughts feed into him. This includes when something in my life bothers me, and I get angry. That seething, eating feeling inside, feeds the 'voice'. I am fortunate to not have this 'voice' to tell me to drink and drug. Its like I said above, I have to eat, so food is on my mind all day. I don't have to be around people who drink or do drugs, them temptation is not there, as prevalent as eating is.
I always joke that "Food is Love". This is how I was brought up. Food was basically one of the main ways my family showed me they cared. As long as we ate like pigs, we were 'taken care of'. So the joke of "Food is Love" is actually a pretty serious thing. Its unfortunate when food is the only way to feel or the only way to escape. This happens a lot to addicts. If you take away all that they abuse...drugs, sex, alcohol, gambling and so on, there is nothing else to abuse. I believe all addicts used food in some form another, at the start of their addiction.
There is also a large amount of people who have been sexually abused that have eating disorders, it is estimated that 85% of those who having eating disorders, were also sexually abused; "It is reported that among persons suffering from Eating Disorders, that as many as 85% have been victims of sex abuse. " Joshua Children's Foundation
Another trick I learned, again in A.A, "Think through the drink". This is what I use with all my 'issues'. This is also why A.A.s program of recovery is used in Overeaters anonymous and all the other 12-step support groups. It simple works.
When I wake up, I have a chance to fight off the 'voice'. When it tells me not to eat, I can "Think through it". Thought the action of not eating. For example, what would happen if I didn't eat? The answer, I'll feel groggy and moody, and I'd be more likely to binge on something to fill me up when I do get hungry. This is "Thinking through it." I have the choice to make myself feel worse or better later in the day, with what action I take.
There are days I feel I eat real healthy, and there are days I just don't care about myself enough to pay attention, and then there are days I want to abuse myself through denial of food, or trying to control it. This is a "One day at a time" situation. Again A.A. In N.A. they say "Just for today", which I find to be just as helpful. 'Just for today' and 'One day at a time' are ways to keep yourself in the moment, in the hear in now, which allows you to "Think thought" whatever action you maybe thinking about. This is actually what a lot of Eastern religions teach...being in the moment. It is the most simple exercise you will ever find that you can use to help yourself in times of need.
I used these two statements, when 10 years ago, I separated from my boyfriend. I couldn't stand laying in bed without him. I didn't want to touch his side of the bed. I was horrified at how 'weak' and 'sad' I felt. But instead of beating myself up, there were times I could take this situation "One day at a time". I would tell myself, that yes, holding his pillow wishing it was him, was not how I wanted to live, but it will allow me to get through the night. I knew eventually, the need to hold the pillow and stay on my side of the bed, would pass. Which it did.
So to sum it up, food, drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, money issues, and anything else that seems self-defeating, is that little 'voice' inside us all that wants us dead. The 'voice' wants us to not care about ourselves, to abuse ourselves, to fall back into bad behaviors. The 'voice' is the negative 'tapes' that play over and over in your head. The 'voice' may be your parents telling you that you are useless. It is now in your voice, and magnified to "You deserve to die".
One day at a time, we can get better, and I will focus only on today. Just for today, I will try to keep aware of the 'voice' or 'disease' inside me that is "cunning and baffling", as A.A. explains, exposes and reveals it's dangerous force on us.
~ All descriptions and quotes come from the respected websites ~
Eating Disorders Affect 5-10 Million Americans and 70 Million People Worldwide
Information about anorexia nervosa, bulimia, binge eating, compulsive exercising, and other less well-known food and weight disorders.
To get well from an eating disorder, psychiatrists generally agree that you have to TREAT the underlying CAUSE. This website is here to give you links and book resources to help in your healing at NO COST to you.
Offers resources to help you, or someone you love, who suffers from negative body image or any of the following eating disorders-Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating and Compulsive Overeating.
The Hungry Heart is a caring approach to out-of-control eating. As former overeaters, our counselors have created a program combining behavioral and nutritional counseling with hypnosis.
Operates telephone helplines for sufferers, and provides a network of self help and support groups throughout the UK. Eating Disorder Help Information and advice on eating disorders and affordable treatment options. Call toll-free.
Links
Definitions, signs, symptoms, getting help, approaching a loved one, and more.
'Close To You' Family Resource Network Website on Eating Disorders.
Free report on how to achieve lasting full recovery & freedom from eating disorders by someone who has actually done it - who now trains others in how to transform these patterns.
Hope, help and healing for those with eating disorders. We have been helping individuals with eating disorders over 18 years.
Nonprofit organization dedicated to alleviating the problems of anorexia, bulimia and compulsive overeating through education, awareness and early detection.
Offers assistance to people with eating disorders, such as compulsive eating, bulimia, and failure in dieting.
Publishes and distribute educational materials and operates a toll-free eating disorders information and referral line for the U.S.
Provides services and support groups for individuals with eating disorders. Includes a meeting schedule and a newsletter.
Welcome to the fellowship of Overeaters Anonymous! This website is hosted by the Unity Intergroup of Overeaters Anonymous and serves the Twin Cities (Minneapolis/St. Paul) and surrounding areas. We can help you find a meeting or recovery event in
Targets compulsive overeaters who are looking for support and info in their weight management struggle. Join discussion groups and read articles.
Welcome to the Support, Concern and Resources For Eating Disorders web site. We offer a variety of information about eating disorders and related issues.
Information on Anorexia and Bulimia, signs and symptoms, and what you can do.
